Oh, Fireball. The cheap and syrupy cinnamon spirit was made for newbie drinkers and Solo cup college parties, and that’s as far as it should have made it. Yet somehow it remains a popular order at bars nationwide. But this is wrong. So completely, sadly, and utterly wrong.
Sure, it might serve its purpose in a big batch Jell-O shot, but if it’s your favorite booze, then you really need to sort out your priorities. Because there are more than enough reasons to not drink Fireball.
Okay, but these Fireball Margaritas are pretty cool.
1. It Tastes Like Red Hots Soaked In Water.
Actually, make that Big Red gum soaked in pee. Just the thought of sipping this syrupy mess is enough to make you gag and start dry-heaving. These grandmas trying it for the first time agree with me.
2. Fireball Has The Worst Recipe Ideas With Even Worse Names.
Any drink that ends in “balls” or “nuts” is best left behind. The same goes for the eye-roll–inducing fragile masculinity of the”Man-most.” And don’t even get me started on adding cinnamon to lemonade. Barf.
3. It’s Always Ordered By The D-bags At The Bar.
You know who I’m talking about: the bros with popped-collar Polos and gingham button-ups, finance guys who always cut you in line and touch your lower back while doing it, sorority girls and college freshmen (with fake IDs, obviously) looking to get plastered on a Thursday night, dudes bragging about how much they can lift.
4. Sorry, But It’s “Whiskey” Not “Whisky.”
The makers of Fireball, Sazerac, are based in Louisiana. So there’s no need to use the United Kingdom’s spelling of whiskey. According to the brand, the drink contains Canadian Whisky. Our friends to the north apparently drop the “e,” hence the spelling choice, but we’re not sold.
5. It’s Weak As Hell.
At 66 proof, Fireball has 20 percent less alcohol than a true whiskey, which typically clocks in at somewhere between 86 and 100 proof.
6. It Always Leads To Terrible Decisions.
It’s cheap and weak so no one orders a single shot of Fireball. And since it’s only ever consumed in excess, it inspires ridiculously drunk behavior—like peeing in public and starting fights with the bouncer. Hate to break it to you, Fireball, but no good story ever started with “Well, we were drinking Fireball…”
7. It Will Give You The Worst Hangover.
Sugar and spice and everything not so nice. The morning after drinking this nasty concoction should be enough to make you quit it for good.
8. It Used To Contain A Chemical Used In Anti-Freeze.
A fact so unsettling to Europeans that sales of the sickly sweet booze were “temporarily halted” in Norway, Sweden, and Finland, which Fireball says was “due to a small recipe-related compliance issue.” The chemical that came under fire is propylene glycol, which supposedly enhances flavor by absorbing water. It’s a slightly less toxic compound than ethylene glycol, which was—until recently—most often used in anti-freeze. According to the FDA, propylene glycol is “generally recognized as safe” when used in food “at levels not to exceed current good manufacturing practice,” but nonetheless, Fireball removed the chemical from its recipe.
This story has been updated with information from Sazerac.